I miss you, Laur. Sometimes I get so mad when I think of you and what happened that I can hardly stand it, but then I remind myself that you must have thought there was no other way. It doesn't stop hurting, but then I'll remember something great, like calling you the night Dustin first told me he loved me and we screamed together on the phone. I wish I could talk to you about how scared I am to have another baby. We really drifted those last few months, didn't we? I missed you but I was angry, too. I think you must have felt the same way.

You really did a number on us, leaving the way you did. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. I just miss you a lot. I want to tell you how much I love you, I hope you already know. I hope you're able to look in on us every once in a while. You're probably busy, but I think you'd get a kick out of Silas. He's a brat and you'd love him. Sometimes he gets this mischeivious grin on his face that completely reminds me of you.

I really love you, Tohrkey.

~Snotface

One year later

Laura, you left a hole in my heart that does not heal. I am surrounded with reminders of you, many pleasant and a few painful. As we sort through our flooded belongings I continue to find some of your things that I had forgotten or sometimes didn't know about. Each triggers a memory and, occasionally, a smile.

As recently as this week I had correspondence with some of your friends and former roommates, who I believe love and miss you nearly as much as I do. How I wish you could have realized the many ways in which you touched and influenced the lives of others.

Your Utah siblings met tonight for a dinner in your honor. They called us from the restaurant so we could be connected for a few minutes. Some people sent flowers to Mom and me today, others called, and some close friends visited ... all thinking of us and remembering you.

Mom and I bought chocolate to celebrate your biggest vice. I got the real stuff, the dark chocolate you liked so much. I ate some and placed the remainder next to your urn. If it turns up missing I'll know you figured out a way to make it disappear.

Love,
Poopa

Silas

I just wanted to let you know, Laur, that you would absolutely love Silas now. He's an obnoxious monster but he's so dang cute.

He really loves music. He'll "read" books, flipping through the pages and singing to himself. When he's really upset the only thing that calms him down is singing primary songs. Whenever any kind of music comes on the radio, TV, or from one of his toys he starts dancing. He'll purse his lips, bounce up and down and wave his arms around like he's doing the chicken dance. (And I do mean any kind of music. He dances the same way whether it's Angela's hip hop or Dustin's classical music.)

This morning as I was getting ready he found a hair tie on the floor in my room. He put it on his arm, spread his legs really wide, bent his knees and pointed at the mirror making "psh, wah, shhh" noises like he was fighting someone. Then he'd stop, look at himself, and laugh.

When Dusitn or I come home from work after a long day Silas comes running to the door. As soon as he hears the knob turn he's there. He opens his mouth really wide in a huge smile and puts his arms out for us to pick him up. Then he wraps himself around us like a monkey and hold on so tight. He also gives kisses right on the lips.

He's very opinionated. He'll walk right up to you and yell "NO!" whenever he feels like you need to be put in your place. He lies about having a poopy diaper and HATES naptime.

I think you'd love him. Sometimes I think about how you two would have been as thick as thieves. He would have loved you too, especially because you would have spoiled him rotten and let him get away with everything. Don't even deny it.

Laura,

I miss you so much. I wish I could call you up and hear your blast laugh. It's just not fair.

Love you

Lindey

Memories

I've been thinking about Laura because we're expecting another baby and it reminded me of when Silas was born. Laura drove up from Provo to help us for a few days. She slept on our couch and was always there to hold Silas when I needed to nap, change a diaper, give me a backrub. She went grocery shopping for us and brought me a plate of dinner. I still remember that we had rotissere (sp?) chicken and grapes and it was the best thing I've ever eaten. :) Laura was so taken with Silas. They bonded immediately and he was so comfortable with her. These are some of my favorite pictures.

It was so special for me that Laura was able to come up and see Silas and was so willing to help out. I'm so grateful for these memories!

I missed you today.

I miss you

Hey Laur,

I got on Facebook the other day and Travis had posted one of those movie quote challenges. I was reading through and couldn't figure out this one that bugging me. My first reaction was that I needed to call you because of course you would know (even though I officially and forever won the quote game with the Drop Dead Fred quote and you know it)! I miss you everyday.

Love,

Your Tohrkey

the microwave

Laura and Prairie, December 2006, at our old apartment

I was looking through some old pictures and we used to have our microwave on top of the refrigerator. I miss how Laura always was sheepish that she couldn't reach our microwave. I'm sad I won't get to tease her anymore and then help her put whatever she needed into the microwave.

Chuck Norris jokes

One of Laura's favorite things was Chuck Norris jokes, so I looked up a few and here are some of my favorites!

1. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

2. There is no theory of evolution. There are only the creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

3. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

4. Chuck Norris is currently suing the NBC show Law and Order, claiming that those are the trademarked names for his right and left legs.

5. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Attribute Alphabet

At night I used to go into Laura's room to say good night, tuck her in, and do the attribute alphabet. What is the attribute alphabet? It is my attempt to counteract all the crummy, rotten, negative things that far too many of us say to ourselves. Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemies.

So I would spend a few minutes at bed time with Laura working through the alphabet, stating a positive attribute to describe her for each letter. "A is for amazing, B is for beautiful, C is for courageous, D is for dazzling," and so on. Of course, I always had to cheat a little when I reached X ("X is for an X-tra special daughter"). And it was a challenge to come up with as many attributes as possible so I didn't repeat the same words each night.

The close, after the letter Z ("Z is for zestful"), was always the same ... "And you can do anything in the world you set your mind to do."

For a long time, this was a nightly routine with Laura. At times, I think it made Laura feel just a little bit better and took the edge from a difficult day. I miss that tradition with Laura. But I still think of the many positive attributes that characterized her.

Standing Tall

Laura was "vertically challenged" and I think this always bothered her. She did NOT enjoy being the shortest child in the family, though she could always find something humorous to say about it. I believe Laura wanted to "stand tall" among her friends and family.

I tried to point out to Laura some advantages of her diminuitive stature (like the availability and price of clothing), but she could always counter with a downside (like having her view of the screen blocked by a taller person at the theater). When Laura got her driver's license, the car we had at the time did not have a seat that would adjust higher or lower. Because the seat sat fairly low to the floor, Laura suffered the indignity of needing to sit on a pillow to see over the dash!

I'm a firm believer that good things often come in small packages. As I often told Laura when she would express concern about being short, "In this family we measure height only from the eyebrows up." Laura, of course, was VERY intelligent and this was my way of complimenting her and reminding her of what really matters. And when I would utter this Poopa-ism I could usually coax a smile from Laura.

How does one stand tall? By impacting the lives of others for good. In this regard, I think I have some work to do to catch up with Laura.

Laura's influence

Something I have enjoyed greatly is hearing from people who have related to me how Laura influenced their lives in some way. Recently a father told me of an incident where one of his children, who is afflicted with a variety of serious physical and mental health issues, came very close to suicide but ultimately decided against this course of action. The reason? This child had heard the father and mother discussing Laura's death and realized the impact a decision to die would have on the parents. As I spoke to the father, he told me that our experience with Laura had likely saved his child's life.

I am grateful that Laura's influence extends beyond the bounds of our immediate family. Who knows how many others have been touched by Laura in some way?

While there will always be a hole in my life and heart, I am glad that others have been blessed by Laura's life ... and death.

Wonderful Stories

In December we traveled to Utah for Christmas vacation. While there we held a memorial service for Laura so that family members and Laura's friends who were unable to come to Iowa would have a chance to gather together to remember her. The tone of this meeting was not somber as in Iowa, but was more "food and fun" with wonderful stories about Laura shared.

Through word of mouth, several of Laura's friends and former roommates were in attendance. Some I had met previously, while others I did not know. And although I had not contacted them about this service, several of my high school friends surprised me when they came. How wonderful it was to see them again (some I had not seen for many, many years) and to experience their love and support.

As I understand it, the stories were recorded by the Higginsons (my daughter Lisa's in-laws). I certainly hope that is true because I really enjoyed the stories that were shared and could not do them justice by trying to summarize them here. I will assume a recording exists and that I can get a copy at some point in time.

I also hope that the stories about Laura are eventually included on this blog. Obviously there were experiences Laura had with others that she did not share with me!

My thanks to all those who helped organize this meeting and to those who attended and participated. I thank God that I have good memories of Laura to sustain me as I try to cope with her loss.